Colors of the Wind

“Mmm, it’s a nice day today,” I thought as I looked out the window to see clear blue skies and hear the chirping of birds. Seeing the nice day, I decided I would go out for ice cream after I checked my email. Opening up my laptop, I opened the web server to see the usual miscellaneous news that was created to catch one’s eye and inform one about fairly pointless information, mostly about useless pop culture. I was going to ignore it all when I saw an article on Ft Island.

On impulse, I Immediately clicked on it to be met with the words,

FT Island have returned to Korea.

They are returning from successful Japan promotions. This recent album was #3 on the Oricon charts…

I stopped reading after that, the rest wasn’t important information to me, the only information that mattered was the fact that they were back. It’s been three months since I’ve last seen him. I’ve known since the beginning of our relationship that he would be constantly on tour, promoting, and all the other things that idols do. I understand that if he wasn’t contacting me, it wasn’t because he was purposely avoided me but working odd schedules or trying to respect my studies, but it didn’t mean that the loneliness that I felt when he was away ever lessened.

The only thing that was really bugging me was the change in his behavior recently. It's been ages since we've lasted talk to each other, seen each other, even called or texted. Too busy, I'm told as he's away in another country...I miss him. I’ve look down at the watch necklace that he bought me countless times, using it to count the minutes, hours and time that wasn’t really possible to keep track of. I’ve traced its shape for hours while I wait for the moment he returned. He’ll never know how much time I’ve wasted just waiting. He’s forever in the back of my mind. It didn’t help that most times when he was away he’d text me at least once a day and we’d talk to each other through the phone or Skype once a week.

But as I hinted with most times, this most recent trip away wasn’t most times. I’ve barely heard from him, maybe I’ve gotten clingy, but that didn’t explain why he didn’t even tell me when he was coming back from Japan. I had known that they’d be coming back to Korea this month but only because I had talked to his band mate, Jaejin. It’s probably not a good sign when you have more luck talking to your boyfriend’s band mate than your boyfriend, even if Jaejin is the friend who introduced me to him in the first place. It made it one of those times where I wondered whether having an average person as a boyfriend would be better than an idol. I mean, if having an idol as a boyfriend meant he didn’t tell me he had work to do in Japan till he had been there for nearly a week then it seems to be tipping to having an average person as a boyfriend. Even though it was for work, it would have been nice of him to at least give me a heads up before he left.

A buzzing nearby brought me from my thoughts. It was my phone buzzing in with a text. It was Jaejin asking if I wanted to join the band for dinner. I smiled somewhat bitterly after reading the text. Not that I disliked Jaejin, since he is my friend, but…WHY IS IT NOT MY BOYFRIEND WHO’S CONTACTING ME?!?!? He’s in the same band as Jaejin, if Jaejin can text me why can’t he?

Swallowing my frustration, I texted Jaejin that I’d meet them for dinner. Shaking my head, I got up and left my apartment, no longer interested in checking my email and just in the mood to go eat the ice cream that I had promised myself earlier.

“Just you wait,” I thought to myself.

*Later*

“Hi, I missed you all!” I greet them at the restaurant that they had chosen. After giving everyone a big hug, I asked “How was Japan?”

“It was great, noona. We had lots of fun,” Minhwan replied.

“YEAH! But we all really missed your cooking noona!” Seunghyun randomly blurted out.

“OWW!,HYUNG!!” Seunghyun yelled after Hongki hit him for randomly blurting out comments again. I giggled at their behavior. The relationship between the members was just too cute and it was fun to watch them teasingly pick on each other.

“Did you all have a good time in Japan?” I asked.

“Yep!” the boys replied in unison.

“Aww you guys are just too adorable, it’s great you had a good time,” I said, smiling before saying, “I saw the album pictures. The concept was nice but I couldn’t help but laugh at Seunghyun this time around,”

“WHAT?!? NOONAAAA!!” Seunghyun whined, “Why are you picking on me? I thought you were my friend.”

“I am, but it was really funny to me to see your forehead. Although maybe it was your eyebrows like some of the comments said,”

“HA! Noona thought there was something wrong with your pictures! I bet mine were perfect!” Hongki yelled.

Dinner went fairly smoothly as we continued our conversation about who had the best pictures for this concept and other topics. Even though he was part of the group and we did discuses his pictures, I couldn’t help but notice that I was talking more to the other members instead of him even though we spend the a lot of time teasing him about his awkwardness. After we finished eating and talking, the boys dropped me off at my apartment in their company car. Dinner with them had been light and carefree but I couldn’t help but think that there was some unexplainable tension in the air between me and him.

The next morning I was surprised to hear the sound of my front door opening and footsteps. Only one person could do that and he was…

“Hey,” I turned around to hear the familiar voice. At the sight of him, I couldn’t help but smile. Even though I’d seen him yesterday and he looked tired, he was still insanely good looking.

“Hi, taking advantage of the key I gave you to my apartment and sneaking up on me?”

“Is it so bad of me to do that?” He said before giving me a back hug and burying his head in my hair.

“No you big cheese ball but you’re making me wonder if you’ve been watching dramas lately. I’m half expecting you to have brought flowers with you”

“Maybe…but they don’t call me MBC for nothing,” Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I knew he was smiling.

“So you did bring flowers?” He laughed before saying, “Yeah, they’re in the violet vase you love,”

Rushing out of his arms, I went over to see and smell the flowers.

“OOO they smell good. So what was the real reason you decided to come over?” I asked, turning around to find him smiling, “I thought you would be resting,”

“WELL, why would I waste a perfectly good day off at home with the band when I could spend with you resting? I thought that since it was nice outside that we should have a day to ourselves and go to an amusement park. Plus I wasn’t in the mood to just text you if you wanted to go. You could have said no because you were worried for me. So what do you think?”

“Well besides the fact you’re right about me having said no, you’re also lucky I don’t have anything planned considering none of you told me when you guys were coming back,” adding a tiny bit of malice into my voice but continuing with,“ Let’s go! You know way too well that I love amusement parks,” I grabbed Jonghun’s hand and started to drag him out the door. He just laughed at my behavior, letting me drag him as if he was a rag doll. We were half way down to my car when Jonghun asked, “I get to drive right?” Looking back at him I nodded my head. I might have dragged him out of my apartment quickly but it’s not like I’m stupid. I did take a purse with my cell phone, keys for my car and apartment as well as pepper spray for any creepers who tried to get near me when Jonghun wasn’t around.

The ride to the amusement park didn’t take too long, partially due to Jonghun’s driving. When we got there it was surprisingly empty and for that, I was thankful. I’d been to the amusement park with him a few times while it was crowded and we almost died.

“Come on let’s go on that roller coaster!” I demanded, pulling Jonghun like a little child to the first ride I saw. He laughed once again at my behavior but didn’t argue. Once the ride was over and we got off, I saw that his hair was slightly mused. The site of the usually picky-about-every-strand-of-hair Jonghun having messy hair was such an unusual site that it made me laugh.

“What’s wrong? Do I have something on my face?” Jonghun asked.

“Nooooo, just… your hair is mused,” I answered still slightly giggling while helping him fix his hair.

“Hmmm, well… lets go over there,” Jonghun said somewhat nervously after I finished fixing his hair.

“Okay!” Following Jonghun, he led me to get ice cream.

We went through the park going on nearly every ride and doing feeding each other food that we’d buy from the venders on the side. Jonghun even played one of those impossible arcade games to try and win me a stuffed animal. Surprisingly he did manage to win one, a medium sized teddy bear. It surprising to both of us since he’d tried to win them for me before but always failed.

With the teddy bear in my arms, we ended the day with the Ferris wheel. While it was stopped the top, we made it in time to watch the sunset go down. The warm colors of red, orange and yellow faded away into the darkness making the lights of the amusement park come to life. If it weren’t for the fact we had played all day, I could have stayed here forever, enveloped in the lights and the sounds of the amusement park with Jonghun beside me but the ride had to come to an end and our time together for the day was coming to an end with it.

The ride home was quick, much too quick for my liking but as they say, time flies when you’re having fun. Jonghun walked me up to my door, and kissed me goodnight.

“I’ll call you tomorrow okay, night sweetheart,”

“Alright, good night oppa,” I replied, leaving the door open until he was out of site.

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It’s been a few days and I wasn’t sure to be worried or not about Jonghun because he still hasn’t called. It was so unlike him that I felt I should drop by their dorm yet it felt too extreme just because him hasn’t called me or respond to my calls and texts. Even though I managed to dissuade myself from being rash, I couldn’t help but feel like there was something wrong.

The few days quickly turned to two weeks. Granted he’s a boy and time moves differently for them but it’s pretty easy for me to see that he’s ignoring me. It’s so weird because the day at the amusement park everything was fine. There wasn’t even a small hint that something was wrong.

What really bothered me was that I’d managed to talk to all the other members besides him in the past two weeks. Some of them even picked up their cell phone on the first ring. In our conversations they told me the same thing, he was apparently been spending all of his time in the studio playing guitar and not in the usual way. It was to the point where they started tell me things like,

“It’s like he’s possessed Noona! He’s not stopping playing the guitar for anything. Hongki-hyung even made me hold him down so that we could force feed him,”

“You should come over and try to cheer him up, I’m starting to worry. He’s skipping Chocoball meetings and as awkward as he is in his corner making drinks, he needs to come back to normal!!”

“Is he contacting you, Noona? He won’t talk to us,”

“HELP US NOONA! JONGHUN’S NOT BEING HIMSELFFFFF!!”

Remembering their words, I felt the urge to visit the practice room once again but unlike last time, this time there was more reason to. The trip the practice room was a blur. As I approached the door of the practice room, I could feel that something was off, something fundamental.

The music coming out of the practice room was different from FT Island’s songs. This was more melancholy and I would say it was more beautiful, but I couldn’t help but think that wasn’t the right word. It was bringing up sad feelings and tears to my eyes. Peeking through the door, I saw it had done the same to the creator of the music. Sneaking in as quietly as I could inside the room, I moved to sit in front of Jonghun like a child who listens to their teacher during read aloud except this plan failed as a result of a squeaky floor board. Jonghun instantly stopped his playing to see me awkwardly sneak in.

“Hi…are you okay?” I asked.

“I’m fine,” he replied yet it was easy to see he wasn’t. Even when someone lies about being fine, they usually try to look at you and say it, not stare at the ground and mumble which was what Jonghun was doing.

“I know you’re not,” Upon hearing my words Jonghun’s head shot straight up, they were the exact opposite of what he’d thought I’d say but I continued, “You didn’t look up when saying you’re fine, you didn’t even try to cover up how not alright you are. I saw your tear streaks from the doorway so you can’t lie and tell me your find. Please just say what’s wrong,” By the end of my sentence I had taken a nearby chair, placed it next to Jonghun and sat down looking at him and waiting for an explanation. But he just stayed silent making me feel like there wasn’t anything I could do to help. This wasn’t him. He wasn’t a talker normally either and was at times awkward, but he was truthful and open when he needed to be. He tried in relationships. I knew that and so did the rest of the members but he was keeping something from us all.

“Please say something,” I begged once again, “Anything,” But it seemed like Jonghun was starting to fade from reality and was already motioning to play his guitar. I grabbed his hands but he seized my wrists in response, “What do you want me to say? You know something’s bothering me but I took an oath that wouldn’t tell you or any of the other members. I’m not allowed to. If I could, you know I would but let this be,”

“Does it involve me?” I asked. Jonghun hesitated before answering, “Yes.”

“I understand, you’ll tell me when you can right?” But I was met with silence. Usually they say silence means acceptance to whatever had been said but in this case, I knew that wasn’t the case. Sighing I stood up and left the room. Once outside, I took a deep breath and slid to the ground.

I can’t say my heart hadn’t crack a bit when he said yes on whether the issue involved me but at the same time I knew that eventually something might happen. Idols and their girlfriends and boyfriends, they were always a huge deal to fans, normal or crazy. We hadn’t ever gone out publicly so it seemed like the likely situation but at the same time, that might not be the issue. The might not hung in my mind, haunting me like nothing else had before. It was worse than the before when Jonghun was a celebrity and I was just a friend of his band mate and wondering if he liked me. It was starting to bring insecurities, ones that I knew I shouldn’t have and that were meaningless and stupid yet still appeared.

I heard footsteps coming from down the hall. It brought me back to reality and it wasn’t one where I wanted to be found in. Wiping away any tears that had slid down while I reflected on what Jonghun had said, I got up and took a deep breath.

What will happen is what will happen, I just hope I can make it through it.

*A few days later*

Still no word from Jonghun meaning that the issue with still wasn’t cleaned up, the FTI boys were as worried as I am and none of us could do anything to change that fact. Yet in a way, I couldn’t help but be reminded of one of the times where I had hesitated over my relationship with Jonghun.

Flashback

I’m tired of feeling alone. It’s too hard. He’s always gone and I barely get to see him and even when he isn’t touring, I still didn’t see him. He was either doing promotions with Ft Island, Ft Triple or just on variety shows. I love him but is it so bad for me to want to spend time with him sometimes and not wait around vying for more than a few minutes of his time like a toy? Seeing him on TV just isn’t the same as being with hi m and I’m not allowed to go onto set in fear crazy fans end up questioning me.

Getting up from my seat on the coach where I had been just been whining to myself about how I never see my boyfriend, I decided I would pay him and his members a visit. I was determined to decide on how much longer I can really stand all this, this waiting around for him and the lack of time we could really spend together. If it was truly worth the pain, the loneliness and feeling of a third wheel while going out with my friends when they dragged their boyfriends with them. As much as I love him, I wasn’t too sure if I was strong enough to withstand everything especially with the need to be careful when I was with him and all the secrecy that I knew was for my wellbeing but at times felt too constrictive. It was getting to be too much.

The walk to FT Island’s dorm was quick. The security guards knew me and it wasn’t unusual for me to go to their dorm since I sometimes made them homemade meals as a treat for when they returned to their dorm. The boys weren’t the best cooks in the world meaning they ate a lot of ramen so I did like saving them from that reality. As I approached their dorm I could hear them arguing inside their dorm like children. I smiled, even if this was a visit to determine my relationship with him, it didn’t mean that I didn’t and wouldn’t still care for the members. We had become close when I first met them through Jaejin; my relationship with Jonghun had only helped get everyone else even more comfortable with me.

“NOONA!!!” Hongki and Minhwan greeted in that cute way of theirs when they saw that I had walked in. I was going to say something but then I made eye contact with him and with that all thoughts about ever letting go of him vanished.

That time nothing like now. This time there was an actual obstacle between us and it wasn’t one that I could do anything to help get past. I knew nothing about it besides the fact that I was somehow involved. It’s so frustrating. Is this one of those choose between your career or girlfriend things for Jonghun? Or company issues? I could only think it was a dating issue. There didn’t seem to be anything else that I would become involved in.

*2 months later*

Jonghun still hasn’t told me anything. I’m not even allowed inside the practice room anymore. The company hired new security guards who didn’t know me and who don’t allow any one person in if any one of the members of the group that a person was trying to see doesn’t want to be let in. The rules have become that strict and I still have no idea why this has happened. Is this a sign that he’s never going to tell me?

I think the other members know what has happened. They seem to be hinting at it and that the issue is about our relationship and the company’s opinion of it. But they won’t say anything else, yet it feels like the outcome won’t be a happy one.

Looking down at my watch necklace I wondered, why couldn't time have stopped when I was happy in a relationship instead of dragging on forever when I was without him.

*Two years later*

She never knew, and she never will. I let her go seeing the pain and sadness from when I was away building up slowly inside her. A part was because of the company’s disagreement but it was also from the changes I saw in her. I saw her smiles fade, losing their brightness in the two years we’d been together and as much as I love her, it hurt knowing I was the reason for her tears at night. The other members are still in contact with her and from them I could tell she is better than before. She is happier than she had ever been when she had been with me. Just like I had wanted when I let her go making that final break, which was for her to have a life of her own. Be in a relationship where she could constantly depend on her boyfriend to be there and for her not to wait around forever.

It hurt at first knowing she wasn’t mine anymore and now it has numbed down so that it’s just a throbbing feeling. The members understand what I have done for her even if they don’t agree. But like the girl from when I was doing M-Net Scandal, neither girl deserved to have to live in privacy, to fear scary fans just so that my career could survive. It’s not something I want from them but they do say, if you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were. “I hope you come back. “ The selfish part of my brain thought, “I miss you,” Jonghun turned away from the window of his apartment unseeing of the girl who he had been just been thinking of walking the streets with a clockwatch necklace gleaming in the sun with every step.

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